People often ask me, "Why are you bleeding?"

I was thinking today about one of the funnier (okay, dumber and stranger) things I've ever managed to say out loud....some friends and I had been talking about something or other and somehow the conversation took a turn that led me to ask, "Don't you hate it when you hear those popping, exploding sounds in your head?" *strange glances all around* (oh really...you say you've never heard those sounds, huh...like right next to your temple sometimes it feels and sounds like a vein just blew up inside your brain?...hmm... *eyes dart back and forth* ...) Needless to say, nobody had ever heard those sounds before and I NEVER HAVE EITHER! But, it got me to thinking and I came up with this little goof:

Top Ten Things People Often Ask Me:
(and my Top Ten Replies)

1. "Don't you hate it when you hear those popping, exploding sounds in your head?"
"WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY??? I COULDN'T HEAR YOU!!!"

2. "Why are you bleeding?"
"Why AM I bleeding?"

3. "What are you looking at, punk?"
"What are YOU looking at, punk?" (usually followed by "You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you?")

4. "What are you crying about now, b*tch?"
*...sniffle, sniffle...* (usually followed by "...okay, you wouldn't hit a guy with yellow teeth, would you?")

5. "Do you have any outstanding warrants, Mr. Stiltskin?"
"No."

6. "Do you realize it's a felony to give false information to a police officer?"
"I do now."

7. "Do you want fries with that?"
"I do now."

8. "Why is your hand on my butt?"
"That depends on what your defintion of IS is..."

9. "Is this your first time?"
"Who me? ME!?! Oh Noooooooo, I've done it LOTS of times...and stop asking so many questions - I'm not paying you to talk!"

10. "Awww, you're a Vietnam Vet, aren't you?"
"No, why? Wait - what!?! What makes you even think that...!?!"

NOTE: This is simply a joke, folks. Absolutely nothing here is meant to be taken seriously, okay? Trust me, I would NEVER eat french fries from that place! Seriously, tho, I didn't mean to offend any of the following: people who bleed, their blood, people who wear glasses, people who hit people who wear glasses, bullies, wimps, people with yellow teeth, honest citizens, french fries, women with butts, Bill Clinton, prostitutes, johns, virgins, liars, Vietnam vets or the lady at the gas station in Austin 15 years ago who thought I was one (a vet, that is...ahem).